Week 32: Soon to be Blessed, or Damned Forever?

My beloved family, friends, and fellow servants,

Where did March go? It’s about to end, and I’m broke. Lost all of my support. I don’t even know how. I would also like to tell you that I’ll be transferred to my third area—in Calamba, Laguna. Such a historical place, huh? Jose Rizal? National hero? Filipinos? Yes, I’ll be with another Filipino companion again (hint: culture gap). Third area, fifth companion. My mission life is very thrilling! I have almost experienced mostly everything—and I haven’t even hit my 1-year mark yet! Maybe soon I’ll literally break my leg, and that will be one crossed out from my things-that-must-happen-in-your-mission list.
I think I’m actually having mixed feelings about leaving. I’m happy because the Lord has given me another opportunity to grow mentally, physically (hopefully not fatter), emotionally, socially, and of course spiritually. I’m sad because I’ll be leaving a lot of people that I love, such as the ward members and also my favourite missionaries in my current district. To whose who are not well aware, missionaries usually stay in their 2nd area for a maximum time of 6 to 9 months. But being the person that I am, I could get really flaky and demand for a new companion and area already; although I promise you that I did not ask my mission president to get me transferred! I now finally understand how the missionaries in my home ward must feel upon leaving, to face a brighter day ahead with all the rejections, trials, and disappointments.
But I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. I already packed my things two weeks before I even received my transfer call. There wasn’t any angelic manifestation announcing my transfer or divine messenger ministering unto me to help me pack my bags; I just had this feeling-slash-intuition that I will get transferred. My current companion, Elder Layugan, is so trunky I couldn’t bear it anymore (lol). I think this is the Lord’s way of sparing me from the influential powers of trunkiness that could affect my progress in the mission.
The reason for this weekly letter’s title is because I think I’m in a state of uncertainty whether in my mission the Lord has a plan for me or I am just being put into a test. We full-time missionaries are still young men and women in the mission, so life still feels like it’s a competition of who’s who and who’s what. During district and zone meetings you can hear a lot of elders and sisters asking, “Who’s training?” or “Who’s the new zone leader now?” or “Who’s in an inappropriate relationship with someone?” (just kidding). It’s really trickling within to see and watch other missionaries’ testimonies and knowledge shine so bright within and without them. And I always find myself wondering, “When will I get there? Will I ever get there?” I think it’s more of an issue of self-insecurity and lack of confidence. “Do I even shine like them right now?” I’m really bad at self-evaluation and seeing black and white. I see everything as fifty shades of grey.
Forgive me for such a weird weekly letter! I told you already: it’s the mixed feelings many missionaries have before their transfer day. But I assure you that I’m fine. I’m really fine. Or maybe I will be fine. I don’t know how I feel. It’s bittersweet. And I would like to remember and feel this feeling again when I’m an old brick.
I love you all, and I hoping to see all of you soon. Soon. Someday. Sometime. Somewhere.
Elder Poblete
Philippines San Pablo Mission
PS: Mom, I exhort you to send me an e-mail that will tell me of improvement, changes, and good cheer every week. I love you. Keep it up.
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